Why Men Shouldn’t Wear Thongs
When it comes to men, underwear, and the chances of having sex, less is NOT more.
Let me first go on record to say that I’m all for freedom of expression, freedom of choice, and the freedom to wear whatever the f*ck you want.
But a male thong is just wrong, on the beach AND in the bedroom—no matter how firm or round the ass.
Up until a few weeks ago, I always thought men wearing thongs was one of those urban legends perpetuated by jilted girlfriends who were looking to emasculate their ex (a subtle, yet grating form of payback).
But then a friend and I were having drinks recently, and she unleashed on me the mother of all bombshells:
The guy she had been seeing, the alleged love of her life, a guy I had met many a time, wore thongs.
It was at that precise moment that a piece of my soul died, and I started to lose all faith in humanity.
What Lies Beneath…
He was a young, good-looking attorney. Very much a jock, and very much a macho Italian (e.g. if Channing Tatum had a half-brother named Vito).
On paper, he was Golden. In the bedroom…not so much.
It was the mother of all anticlimaxes. After days of flirting, drinking and heavy petting, my friend finally found herself on his bed, ready for the ride of her life. But as soon as the pants came off, her interest—and libido—almost went out the window.
He could tell his thong was bothering her, and they both looked at each other like the other was crazy.
She asked him about it (in a very nonchalant, non-confrontational kinda way), and all he could say was, “They make my ass look good.”
He reassured her that it wasn’t a regular habit, and that he could easily slip into something more…what’s the word?…”traditional.”
They still had sex (kudos to her for still being able to get wet for the guy), but the real clincher of the story—and my favorite part—was the part where he later hopped in the shower, and she dared to open his underwear drawer.
There they were: Not one pair…or two pairs…but a drawer full. Black ones, purple ones, leopard ones, you name it. It was every Chippendale dancer and sexually-confused boy’s wet dream. Not a single boxer brief to be found.
Side Note: What’s worse, a guy who’s into g-strings, or a girl who turns guys’ drawers upside down looking for them?
Like so many leopard thongs before, this marked the end of an otherwise perfect relationship. She just couldn’t bring herself to date a guy she could share skivvies with.
And who the hell could blame her?
Why Men Shouldn’t Sing the Thong Song
- It’s a tacky kind of vanity…A guy’s limit should be full-body shaving and self-tanners.
- They look awkward on dudes…thongs don’t look as good on “bulkier” bodies (not that I’ve tried or anything).
- Did I mention they’re for girls???…Sorry, they just are.
Turns out, you can never truly know what a guy is hiding under his blue jeans. But, just like the old expression, “If you have nothing good to say, don’t say anything at all,” if you’ve got nothing good to wear, go commando.
Can you date a man who wears thongs? Am I being too harsh? Share your opinion below!
The Grand Prix of Sin