Where Have All the Blowjobs Gone?

You know you’re in trouble when even the easiest girl stops giving head.

“I don’t like that, sorry.”

If I had a nickel for every time I got this BJ rejection over the past year, I’d be rich.

Maybe it’s a third-base dry spell, or maybe it’s just the lot of girls I’ve been with in recent months, but something is definitely up in Blowjob Land—basically that I’m not getting any.

It’s Not Me, It’s You

At first I thought I was the problem: Did I need to lather up more in the shower? Was I too pushy? Did women suddenly start having a problem with clean-shaven men?

But no, after talking to a few of my fellow bros, there are definitely fewer girls out there who are up for going down.

Once upon a time, you could get a BJ anytime, anywhere: In cars, elevators, bathroom stalls (ah, the memories). But these days, getting head is like pulling teeth!

Let’s be fair, though: I know there are plenty of women out there who use their mouths freely and whole-heartedly (and I salute you). But generally-speaking, WTF!

Sister, can you spare a head?

I can’t even say that oral is my absolute favorite thing on the menu (giving or receiving, for that matter) notwithstanding how fucking great it feels when done right.

Still, it’s interesting, dare I say troubling, that more and more women are wanting to skip what was once a given. At best worst, it was always that minimal consolation prize you’d receive whenever a chick liked you, just not enough to sleep with you.

Even if you’re not a huge fan, sex without oral is like a vodka-7 without that twist of lime: Still tastes great, but just isn’t the same for some strange reason.

Make no mistake gentlemen: The tides, they are a changin’.

When it comes to great sex, how do you get ahead when you can’t get head?

My friend says that when it comes to oral sex, there are three types of girls: The five percent who like giving it, the 95 percent who PRETEND to like it, and the 100 percent who love getting it.

So if this unscientific equation (and I stress the word “unscientific” considering this is the same friend who thinks “I wanna cum on your eyeball” is a term of endearment) is true, then it’s very possible that some women are just tired of doing something they never wanted to do in the first place.

And as I struggle to figure out why, I’ve narrowed it down to the following three factors (but, in my desperate quest for answers, am open to suggestions—SO PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT BELOW):

The Age Factor:

Is it possible that giving head, like everything else, becomes less attractive once you pass a certain age? Are guys wrong to expect that all the blowjobs they got so willingly by sexed-up young girls will carry over into maturity?

The Cleanliness Factor:

I don’t want to alarm everyone, but there is an underground movement currently underway by uncircumcised men who believe that the smell of unwashed foreskin is an aphrodisiac for women (feel free to throw up a little). If this is true, and most of these guys are living in the Greater Montreal Area, it may explain why I’m getting screwed, in the worst way, foreskin or no foreskin.

The Feminist Factor:

Sexual freedom and promiscuity seem to be off the charts these days—but only if you’re 17. For the rest of us, we seem to inching closer and closer to an era that pre-dates the 1960s sexual revolution. Maybe some women just feel that servicing a man, on their knees no less, is degrading and archaic?

Talk about a head-scratcher!