Shave Your Balls, Not Your Pride!
Forget your nationality. When it comes to pubes, we’re all Brazilian!
If the last five women I’ve gone down on are any indication, the hairy vag has gone the way of the woolly mammoth: extinct. Surprising? Not so much. But what if I told you that a significant amount (dare I say, majority) of guys have spent more time trimming their own crown jewels than they’d care to admit?
I’m here to say that we men are shaving and tweezing in record numbers, so rather than try to hide it, or pass ourselves off as being “naturally smooth” (let’s get serious), we should embrace the fact that hair-less skin is IN!
The only tricky part is figuring out how much to take off, and it can vary from man to man—vary A LOT. As someone who is virtually bald from the neck down, I can tell you that the road to the new, silky-smooth me was not an easy one:
While prepping for a summer weekend getaway, I decided it was time was for some pubic Spring cleaning. I started off slow, worried about how too little hair would look. But I quickly realized that the shorter my pubes got, the better the whole crotch looked (cleaner, fresher!).
Suddenly, what began with a small pair of grooming scissors soon turned into a buzz cut and before I knew it, I was lathering up in the shower, carefully running a Mach 3 in places I’d never thought I’d be reaching for. Only I didn’t stop there, and on this addictive slippery slope, I soon found myself without arm hair, leg hair–everything including the pits.
I had pretty much attacked anything that was within easy reach (which means you’ll be reading an ass-hair removal story involving awkward squatting very soon) and I loved the results. Others? Not so much.Reality hit when the first girl I was with, post-shave, just seemed to stare at my crotch like she didn’t know what to do or say next.
“Wow…there’s nothing there,” is all she said as we lay in bed, in a quasi-mocking tone. And her dumbfounded expression didn’t do much to help either of our libidos. I had purposely turned off the lights but somehow, the moonlight glare was enough to show her that she was with a guy with less hair than her. Fortunately for me, we still had sex that night, although I never heard from her since.
That was five years ago. Since then, luckily, more and more women have come around, and I now make sure to keep a little stubble down there, just so a girl is reassured that I did hit puberty once upon a time. But even though I was secure enough in my manlihood to ditch the hair (with plenty of girls telling me they prefer without), I was still on the offensive, wondering what was so wrong about a guy sans pubes anyway? It can’t be any worse than dudes who look like grizzly bears, can it? [No offense to those cultures who embrace body hair as a badge of honor].
So I decided to dig a little deeper within my inner circle while at a friend’s BBQ. Somehow, underneath the tranquil stars on a steamy summer night, a simple, g-rated conversation between a few men about grooming turned into elaborate, no-holds-barred testimonials on the tips and tricks to trimming without cutting oneself (having one too many beers definitely helped loosen a few lips). One guy even went so far as to describe how balls can be flattened, so to speak, thus allowing for greater ease in getting out those pesky testicular whiskers.
That conversation, coupled with some eyewitness accounts at the gym and anecdotal evidence from a growing number of women who say they’re seeing less and less hair “down there,” had me realizing that us men have come a long way in five years. I definitely wasn’t alone; I’m just one of the few who’ll talk about it in public.
I reckon that ball-shaving is still relatively taboo in the heterosexual community (metrosexuals notwithstanding), so that’s probably why you don’t often hear a guy bitch about ingrown hairs out loud. Somehow, there’s a certain shame associated with something that, for years, has been a “woman thing.” I would also surmise that shame is the reason most opt for the “self-service” option, instead of suffering through waxing sessions or being shot at with lasers.
But it does make me wonder just how many women are aware that their men are as preoccupied with their body hair from the neck down as they are. More importantly, do they even care? (Women, this is your cue to chime in using the Comment box below).
I imagine that every guy thinks he’s the only one in the world who’s locked himself in the bathroom for what seems like an eternity, running a clipper up and down his bush…or thigh…or arm…or… But truth be told, we’ve all been there.
Just remember, when it comes to hair removal, the same rules as life—and sex—apply: If it feels good, do it. Just be safe (in this case, that means using a duller blade, plenty of suds, and going VERY slowly). And be forewarned: The maintenance can kill you.
So ladies, this holiday season, the greatest gift you can give your man is a bottle of shaving cream, and your blessing.
I Want to be the Old Guy in the Club