Top Five Questions No Man Wants to Hear

Want a dude to be gone in 60 seconds? Just whisper these sweet nothings in his ear.

Like a gas tanker to a flame, there are some questions, especially when spoken by female significant others, that can cause men to explode–or at very least jam a fork in their eye (i.e. something less painful to keep them distracted).

That’s the problem with Mars and Venus trying to get together–they’re two planets that belong in separate galaxies when it comes to the art of frustration conversation.

Here are the Top Five Questions no man wants to hear…ever:

Number Five – “Are you mad?”

Some chicks, or at least those uber-insecure ones, need their man to be happy 24/7, and walk around with hearts in his eyes while sporting a perpetual smile on his face. And the minute he doesn’t, they automatically assume there’s a problem—and they usually think it has to do with them.

In “normal” circumstances, showing concern would be commended. But in this case, it’s just fucking annoying.

Number Four – “Are you free tomorrow night?”

Five little words that could mean the perfect night you had planned (Playboy Channel and a bucket of chicken) is about to get nixed so you can visit yet another couple who just had a baby.

Number Three – “Can I come?”

Nothing like a girl who can’t ever be left alone, even for one Saturday night. If she falls into that “Women can’t get along with other women” category (i.e. she has no friends of her own), you’re in BIG trouble.

Number Two – “Which do you prefer?”

It’s that awkward moment when a man is forced to choose between two things that have NOTHING to do with him, knowing that he’ll have hell to pay if she ends up regretting his choice.

Number One – “Where is this going?”

Things were going so well: You had a few good dates and shared some great orgasms. But barely two weeks in, she’s already expecting you to lay out your long-term relationship plans.

Whatever happened to living in the moment, and letting things happen organically (or orgasmically, as it were)?