Top Five Signs You’re Dating A Zombie

You may think that walking corpses are mere science fiction, but the truth is, you’ve probably already f*cked a few!

With all of the hoopla surrounding this Sunday’s fifth season premiere of “The Walking Dead,” I can’t help but wonder if there aren’t actual zombies walking among us—you know, those soulless, blood-sucking boyfriends and girlfriends that tear you up from the inside out and make you wish you had never crossed paths with them in the first place.

In fact, AMC’s hit show could actually be seen as an embellished microcosm for what’s become of today’s dating world: a bunch of sleazy, sadistic weirdos coming at us from all directions. 

Before you scoff, you may want to take a look at some of your own horror stories! Are some of your exes really that different from the creatures you see on the show?

Here are the top five signs the person you’re with is nothing more than a pile of cruel, useless (not to mention rotten) skin and bones:

Number Five – They Have No Goals or Ambitions

A zombie can wander around aimlessly (and endlessly)…just going through the motions with no clear goal in sight.

This is not unlike those less-than-ambitious people in the real world who are completely unmotivated and expect their partner to take care of them.

“I would never hurt you…I swear!”

Number Four – They Show No Empathy

Zombies feel no compassion, guilt, and remorse. All they really care about is themselves.

Anyone who’s dated a sociopath can definitely relate to this one. Just sayin’…

Number Three – They chew you up and spit you out

Zombies, in essence, just see you as a piece of meat. They’ll rip you apart—literally!—and leave you to rot—much like that person who used and abused you, and then dumped you for the next unsuspecting sucker lover.

“Whose lives can we ruin today?”

Number Two – They’ve lost the art of conversation…

Zombies don’t have much to say, except for the occasional grunt. It’s actually the same as a frustrated wife whose husband would rather spend eight hours watching bad T.V. in silence than ask her how her day was.

Number One – …And They’ve Lost Their Sex Drive

Unlike their human counterparts, zombies couldn’t care any less about sex (or anything sexual for that matter).

It reminds me of my friend’s wife, who, a few years into their marriage, would suddenly find any excuse not to sleep with him, only to find out she was slamming the landscaper.

And that, dear readers, is the worst ‘zombie’ of all.