My Sociopath, My Sweetheart

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When we fall in lust or love with someone who’s f*cked, are we the victim, or the guilty party?

It’s that awkward moment when you realize your soul mate never existed, that the best lay of your life was all in your head, and that the one you thought cared more about you than you only really cared about him/herself.

It’s also the moment you realize you’re dating a sociopath, a disturbed individual who, whether conscious or not, uses their partner for their own perverse cat-and-mouse game that ultimately leaves their not-so-significant other high and dry (and hopelessly confused).

Sociopaths are to relationships what vultures are to baby deer.

And while we can’t necessarily avoid making contact with this relationship cancer, should we be smart enough to notice the red flags before it’s too late?

It’s Just An Illusion

Jane was a beautiful and successful 32-year-old Boston-based interior designer who had dated her share of men but always found herself disappointed for one reason or another.

She told herself that she wasn’t going to “settle down” just because society said so. And after much soul-searching, she also decided to block out the ticking sounds of her biological clock.

So imagine her surprise when she met a guy from Paris online and found herself totally in love for the first time in her life–after just one virtual date.

He gave her non-stop attention, got under her skin in ways no guy had before, and showered her with an endless supply of compliments and promises of a future (for her and their future kids) that was so good, it would make Kate Middleton jealous.

After six months of daily phone calls and webcam sessions, she decided to fly there to meet him. But when she got to the Eiffel Tower, their meeting place, he was nowhere to be seen, and she would never hear from him again. All that remained was a shattered ego and $1500 in travel expenses.

Urban legend? Nope, sorry.

Closure? What Closure?

If you can relate to Jane’s nightmare, you’ve probably spent many a night thereafter pounding your head against the wall looking for answers, wondering what you did or said to cause the sudden shift in tide.

And therein lies the biggest pain point of all with dating a sociopath; you’ll never get a clear answer as to what went wrong, or how the world’s greatest romance could suddenly disintegrate—literally overnight.

That’s the thing about sociopaths; they don’t care about the question marks floating in your head. So while their lack of empathy does provide some comfort (i.e. the problem isn’t you at all), it still doesn’t do much to repair your self-esteem–or your faith in long-distance relationships for that matter.

Signs of a Sociopath

Think your supposed soul mate is more fiction than fact? Here are some warning signs, according to Donna Anderson, author of “Red Flags of a Love Fraud: 10 Signs You’re Dating a Sociopath.”

  • Massive Amounts of Charisma and Charm.
  • An Enormous Ego.
  • Overly attentive.
  • Jekyll and Hyde Personality. (Like flipping a switch).
  • A Blamer. (Nothing is ever their fault).
  • Lies and Gaps in their Story.
  • Intense Eye Contact.
  • Fast Moving. (E.g. Ready to tie the knot in days).
  • Pity Play. (They appeal to your sympathy).
  • Sexual Magnetism.

Check out the complete article here.

Sociopaths & Relationships…Who’s Really to Blame?

As one friend mentioned: “If we fall for the ramblings of a shady used car salesman, is it his fault if we find ourselves driving a lemon?”

Can it be? Do we let our vulnerabilities (and/or loneliness) cloud our judgment and make us ignore all of the warning signs of a toxic relationship?

Or, are sociopaths such amazing con artists that no one, not even the most independent bachelor or bachelorette, can resist their temptation?

Where do you stand? Share your comments below!

  • Jessica_Scharr

    OMG, this happened to my best friend. She met a guy on POF and he created this whole fake story about who he was, what he did. Dragged it out for months. When she finally caught on and confronted him, he turned everything around to make her feel guilty for doubting him, and then he stopped calling her just like that.

  • DaterGirl

    Or if u put it another way, should you mourn a relationship that never existed in the first place???

  • Jules

    She should have asked him to come to Boston. Mistake #1

  • ZippyBippy

    And sometimes you can meet someone online who hears you and is a genuine person with real intentions and is separated by you only by distance. Life. It’s a crap shoot. Go with what your gut is telling you, sure, but always, ALWAYS, leave your heart open, too. Sure, that can expose you to pain if you choose wrong, but it makes you know you’re alive too, and not just walking through the motions. Just a thought. :)

  • Lightning Linda

    My best friend also met a man on POF he was tall dark and handsome to bad he turned out to be fat bald and ugly lolllllllllllllll wow lots of crazy people out there