I Hate You. You’re Ugly. Now Marry Me!

That awkward moment when desperation causes a change of heart.

Playing charades as a kid? Fun. Shelling out $200 for a gift–and another $150 on a new shirt and tie–for a wedding that’s the biggest charade of all? Not so fun.

Of all the ridiculous lengths people will go to to get married, sacrificing their integrity has got to be the one that makes my stomach turn the most. Especially when their guests have to give up a Saturday night for it.

Many of you know the feeling: You’re seated in a church, watching a bride and groom exchange rings as they look lovingly into each other’s eyes, and you suddenly think to yourself: “Didn’t she want nothing to do with him back in ’08?”

That’s the thing about age and biological clocks: They can cause you to do unimaginable things, like settle down with someone who, at first sight, gave you a gag reflex.

Not convinced? Think about all of the now-married girls you know who, back when they were 25, were so determined to find Mr. Right (someone packing a fat wallet along with a fat cock) that they cast aside any man who didn’t live up to that fantasy. It’s a breed of woman I’ve come to regard as Backpedalers.

It’s probably one of the biggest reasons most Backpedalers in their 20s ended relationships. Not because the guy wasn’t good. He just wasn’t good enough.

In other words, if instead of a fat wallet, a guy was just, well, fat, he could have kissed his chances goodbye. Didn’t matter if he built an alter in her honor, and promised to shower her every night with rose petals and pump her arteries with Veuve Cliquot; if she wanted the package deal, she wasn’t going to stop till she got it.

Not that there’s anything wrong with having high self-worth!

But what’s an unattractive 20-something guy to do when a girl won’t give him the time of day (other than snap the fuck out of it and move on)? Well, he can try waiting it out. If she hasn’t found anyone after a few years, any sap will start to look good to her. And that sap could be you, beer belly and all! The only prerequisite? Make sure you have a job…any job…one that pays…a lot. If you haven’t figured it out yet, Backpedalers are usually allergic to work.

It’s what I refer to as that pivotal moment when she chooses security over sex appeal…stability over seduction.

And it usually happens right around the time that the last of her single gal pals ties the knot, and the hunky dude she’s been running after for the past millennium gives her the ultimate kiss-off. Rather than face the humiliation of being a social leper (a.k.a. single and 30), she’ll slowly start looking to see who from her reject pile she can dig up before it’s too late (hence, the “Backpedal”).

Which brings me back to the part where you’re sitting in the church, pretending to smile for the allegedly happy couple.

Of course, guys are just as guilty. The ones who are in denial about their physical appearance (can’t all be Pitt or Beckham) spend the better part of their youth chasing the unattainable busty blondes in 5-inch heels, and then somehow almost-always wind up married to a square. These are the men who have finally come to one of life’s harshest realizations that they have ZERO chance of scoring a supermodel, and that it’s time to throw in the towel. Translation: It’s a square, or nothing.

Incidentally, this is how one of the biggest myths from the dating pool came to be. You know, the one where guys pretend that the hot bimbos are just for fun and the “good, wholesome” girls are for marrying.

The truth is, if he was chasing supermodels at 18, the only reason he’s not married to one now is that he got tired of running. Period. But instead of trading sex appeal for financial security, guys backpedal their way to a woman who will cook them dinner every night and be a good mommy to Junior–the ultimate act of love compromise. The irony is not lost on me, that so many men are married to women that they themselves would have teased in high school.

While it may be difficult to prove this theory true, I have to wonder: If “Backpedaler was a legitmate marital status, how many of you would check that box?

See you at the anniversary party!