O Normal Person, Where Art Thou?

Online dating is ‘supposed’ to be quick and easy, so why does it make you want to slit your wrists?

It’s enough to make you wish you were already married (or asexual): Spending your valuable free time sifting through a shit load of online profiles only to find out they’re all basically worth, you guessed it, shit!

It’s the horrific world otherwise known as online dating, where the journey to finding everything from the future mother of your children to any girl who swallows—and whatever in between—is about as productive as a cross-country road trip with four flat tires.

And if you’re like most people, landing on one decent person means having to first navigate through 100 assholes.

What’s worse is that we often only realize how much time we’ve wasted until it’s too late…until we find ourselves staring at the computer screen, scratching our (blue) balls, and asking ourselves the following agonizing questions (which, essentially, can be summed up as “Why are you wasting my time?”):

“Um, Which one are you?”

You gotta love those people who upload a dozen pics, but make you guess which one they are in each of them…

Remember: Getting laid leaves little room (or desire) for guessing games.

“What’s wrong with your webcam?”

Some folks will happily spend hours texting and talking to you by phone, but when it comes time for “Lights, Camera, Skype,” there’s always a problem (ranging from a defective computer to bad lighting).

At the risk of stating the obvious, when someone doesn’t want to be seen, it usually means that the 6-pack in their pics belongs to someone else.

But it does make you wonder how pathetic some people’s lives must be if they’re willing to invest so much time and energy in a “relationship” that they know can’t go anywhere.

“Why bother swiping right if you’re changing area code in five minutes?”

The great thing about the location-based hook-up apps (think Tinder) is that you can see how close a potential conquest is.

The not-so-great thing? When someone who is just “passing through” (and is smoking hot) shows interest in you, but by the time you react, they’ve already left on a jet plane.

Just like that, they went from being within a few yards to 500 miles away. Call them the “Mile-High Cock-Teasers”

“Why do you “Like” me, only to ignore me?”

It’s that awkward moment when someone (finally!) gives you (i.e. your profile) some attention, but can’t even be bothered to reply to your “Hey!”

It’s like rushing to a store you heard was having a 90% off bankruptcy sale, only to find out they’ve already closed up shop.