You Want Me to Lick Your WHAT?!

The Five Oddest Requests I’ve Ever Gotten In Bed.

As if banging wasn’t hard enough (pun intended), the last thing any guy wants to hear is a question or comment so odd, so way out of left field, that it makes his dick shrivel up to the size of a thimble and brings the blessed act of fornication to a screeching halt.

Not that there’s anything wrong with gettin’ freaky or experimental. But sometimes a guy just wants sex to be about, well, the sex!

Proving that some women can be just as messed up as 99% of men, I’ve come across a few “interesting situations” in my time. And here, for your amusement, are the top five of my most awkward moments in the sack:

Number 5 – “Spit in my mouth…please.”

At first, I actually thought it was hot, because it speaks to just about every guy’s basic desire to hook up with a girl who likes to get down and dirty.

By the tenth time in a row, however, I had run out of spit—and dignity. She may have been getting off, laying there with her mouth open, tongue sticking out, begging for more, but I wanted no part in her humiliation fantasies.

Bottom line: When the spitting in the relationship replaces the fucking in the relationship, it’s time to get the hell out. But you’ll always have those warm, saliva-filled memories to keep you warm at night.

Number 4 – “Lick my elbow.”

Continuing in the tradition of “Why does this shit always happen to me?,” this one involved a girl I dated years ago, who had an apparent fetish for joints (no, not those). I had to laugh the first time, thinking I was being Punk’d.

But not only did she enjoy the elbow play, she even had specific ways she liked it. Not the outside of the elbow (God forbid) but the inside! And no sucking…just short little strokes with the tongue.  I could only imagine what I’d be in for if I had made it down to her knees; I just didn’t stick around to find out.

Question: When did toes go out of style?

Number 3 – “Let me bite your nipple.”

This one chick had a serious, ahem, hard-on for biting dudes’ nipples. And I don’t mean those sexy, soft nibbles that give off quick sensual jolts. I mean she was out looking for blood, like someone who had seen one too many episodes of The Walking Dead.

I asked her to stop. She didn’t. I started bleeding. She laughed. I grabbed my coat and called a cab. End of story.

I’m all for a little S&M (more on that another time), but the first thing I reach for should be a rubber, not a bandage.

Number 2 – “Let’s watch each other jerk off from across the room.”

Uh, Really? Everything prior to this ridiculousness had gone off smoothly. In fact, it was shaping up to be the perfect one-night-stand. We had gone back to her place, and frankly I don’t even think she remembered my name by the time we got there (fine by me!). It was just a hot, sweaty, hair-pulling romp fest that was as simple as it was intense.

But then she got the brilliant idea: She would stay in bed and I was to sit down on the floor in front of her while we just played with ourselves. Not one to shy away from trying something new, I complied. Only problem is that the novelty wore off after about 10 seconds, and then I realized that I was just an asshole masturbating on the floor of a stranger’s apartment.

Number 1 – “Where is this going?”

Ok, so this one’s more of a general question than an actual request. But for me it is by far the most perverse, inexcusable question I’ve ever had thrown at me in a moment of passion. Imagine, after months of awkward are-we-just-friends soul searching, a friend and I decided to stay in one Saturday night and watch a movie. The popcorn barely had time to cool off before she felt the urge to lean in for a kiss. An odd move on her part, but I reciprocated.

And things heated up–fast. She ripped off my shirt as I leaned on top of her and reached for her zipper. And just when things were really about to take off, she nonchalantly asked where this was all headed.

I’d rather have my both my nipples ripped off by a pack of rabid wolves than have to answer that at that precise moment. Yes, it’s a perfectly logical and acceptable question. And she had every right to ask it. But why, WHY did she have to ask seconds before penetration? I mean, come on! Sexual entrapment, or just a cruel joke? Because, as you know, there’s NO right answer!

BONUS – “Can my pussy watch?”

I’ll just come out and say it: I’m not a cat person. So if I don’t care to have one purring on my lap, scratching my sofa, or leaving hair on a fresh suit, you can imagine how I’d feel about having one watch me slam.

But this one chick insisted on having ‘Whiskers’ take part as a spectator each time, and it was a little much. She never actually said she needed her pet in the room—and I never confronted her about it—but if her answer to “You’re so fucking hot” was “Can you let the cat in?,” you have to admit something’s a little sketch.

What about you? Any similar horror stories you can share? Leave a comment below.