Dear Miley Cyrus Haters: It’s Not Her Fault You’re Unf*ckable.

Remember that feeling you had when you were 15, and no one gave a shit about you? When everything was about looks and popularity–and you didn’t have either? Or, worse yet, remember when you DID have it all but now, three kids, two marriages and a flabby gut later, you can’t stand to look at yourself in the mirror?

If you’re starting to flinch, then you’re part of the 95% of women past their late-20s (don’t worry, I’ll get to the fellas in a minute) who fall into one of these two categories. Seeing a hot young thing put on a sex show on MTV–or, God forbid, smoke a joint–instinctively  reminds you of the girl you always wished you could be, or the girl you USED to be. And you start to resent her for it. Yes, jealousy is an ugly thing. And so are you when you obsess over a 20-year-old pop star sharing the stage with an animated cat.

This is the case with poor Miley Cyrus. Lots of girls want to be her, and even more boys want to fuck her. And that just burns your ass. Because she gets to jet-set around the world looking young and fabulous, while you drown in mortgage payments, dance recitals, cellulite and a husband with a wandering eye. And for that, you brand her a negative influence on society?

This is usually the point where these jealous women start screaming, “This isn’t about me! What kind of example is she setting to our children?”

As if some twerking on live TV will really make a dent into the kind of woman your “sweet, angelic” daughter will grow up to be. (Incidentally, these are the same parents who think that sheltering their kids from the word “fuck” for as long as they can will somehow stop them from swearing). Maybe childbirth represses certain memories. That would explain how so many prudish moms conveniently forget that they were once dressed like a 2-dollar whore, shaking their ass on a speaker during Spring Break in Cancun.

Still don’t believe that a slut is born from within? Then consider this: Remember that “shy” girl in high school who was brought up in the strictest, most religious of households but somehow always found herself behind the bleachers dishing out blowjobs to the entire 8th grade soccer team? Exactly.

Miley Cyrus is not meant to be a saint or a role model; she’s here to get publicity and sell records. And it’s working. She uses her body to move merchandise the same way you used yours to score a free drink. Only difference? You weren’t on MTV.

So yes, this is ALL about you!

Now, even though this holier-than-thou, anti-vulgarity pontification usually comes from repressed suburban females (and is where the women-hate-other-women theory originates from) guys are just as guilty. They just have an entirely different defence mechanism. The signature “insecure guy move” is to throw out a gay slur anytime he sees or hears a girl drooling over a good-looking guy. In my experience, these guys are usually bald (or balding) and wear nothing but elastic waistbands on the weekends. They miss the days of random girls cozying up to them in clubs, feeling up their biceps and being treated like a VIP (these days they’re more like OFB). So anytime a pretty boy gets some attention, jealous men will mock his bronzed, hairless skin and skuplted abs as being effiminate (translation: inferior). In reality, these same guys would be the first in line at a tanning salon if they thought it would help get them the same amount of ass as they did in 1997.

This is why half of all men are miserable. And the other half have mistresses.

In the end, whether it’s flashing a 6-pack at a club or sauntering down a busy street wearing a miniskirt that could easily pass as a scarf, the truth is we all wish we could be swinging naked on a wrecking ball at some point in our lives…either because we never got the chance to, or will never be able to again.

You can hate on Miley all you want, but the person you really hate is yourself!