Dear Miley Cyrus Haters: It’s Not Her Fault You’re Unf*ckable.

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Remember that feeling you had when you were 15, and no one gave a shit about you? When everything was about looks and popularity–and you didn’t have either? Or, worse yet, remember when you DID have it all but now, three kids, two marriages and a flabby gut later, you can’t stand to look at yourself in the mirror?

If you’re starting to flinch, then you’re part of the 95% of women past their late-20s (don’t worry, I’ll get to the fellas in a minute) who fall into one of these two categories. Seeing a hot young thing put on a sex show on MTV–or, God forbid, smoke a joint–instinctively  reminds you of the girl you always wished you could be, or the girl you USED to be. And you start to resent her for it. Yes, jealousy is an ugly thing. And so are you when you obsess over a 20-year-old pop star sharing the stage with an animated cat.

This is the case with poor Miley Cyrus. Lots of girls want to be her, and even more boys want to fuck her. And that just burns your ass. Because she gets to jet-set around the world looking young and fabulous, while you drown in mortgage payments, dance recitals, cellulite and a husband with a wandering eye. And for that, you brand her a negative influence on society?

This is usually the point where these jealous women start screaming, “This isn’t about me! What kind of example is she setting to our children?”

As if some twerking on live TV will really make a dent into the kind of woman your “sweet, angelic” daughter will grow up to be. (Incidentally, these are the same parents who think that sheltering their kids from the word “fuck” for as long as they can will somehow stop them from swearing). Maybe childbirth represses certain memories. That would explain how so many prudish moms conveniently forget that they were once dressed like a 2-dollar whore, shaking their ass on a speaker during Spring Break in Cancun.

Still don’t believe that a slut is born from within? Then consider this: Remember that “shy” girl in high school who was brought up in the strictest, most religious of households but somehow always found herself behind the bleachers dishing out blowjobs to the entire 8th grade soccer team? Exactly.

Miley Cyrus is not meant to be a saint or a role model; she’s here to get publicity and sell records. And it’s working. She uses her body to move merchandise the same way you used yours to score a free drink. Only difference? You weren’t on MTV.

So yes, this is ALL about you!

Now, even though this holier-than-thou, anti-vulgarity pontification usually comes from repressed suburban females (and is where the women-hate-other-women theory originates from) guys are just as guilty. They just have an entirely different defence mechanism. The signature “insecure guy move” is to throw out a gay slur anytime he sees or hears a girl drooling over a good-looking guy. In my experience, these guys are usually bald (or balding) and wear nothing but elastic waistbands on the weekends. They miss the days of random girls cozying up to them in clubs, feeling up their biceps and being treated like a VIP (these days they’re more like OFB). So anytime a pretty boy gets some attention, jealous men will mock his bronzed, hairless skin and skuplted abs as being effiminate (translation: inferior). In reality, these same guys would be the first in line at a tanning salon if they thought it would help get them the same amount of ass as they did in 1997.

This is why half of all men are miserable. And the other half have mistresses.

In the end, whether it’s flashing a 6-pack at a club or sauntering down a busy street wearing a miniskirt that could easily pass as a scarf, the truth is we all wish we could be swinging naked on a wrecking ball at some point in our lives…either because we never got the chance to, or will never be able to again.

You can hate on Miley all you want, but the person you really hate is yourself!

  • Bachelor Uncut

    Love this!!!

  • Melissa

    Whatever! I have an awesome boyfriend, beautiful house, 2 cars, 2 poodles and awesome friends with no cellulite, beauty and self-respect! Do I get laid? Of fucking course! Screw this letter!

  • jscharr

    Hmm, I’d say this article is about 90% right…maybe 85 lol.

  • whatevr

    This is retarded. The reason why everyone hates her is because she represents the downward spiral that the media is taking, which revolves around drugs and sex. It’s disgusting. And I’m 22, not married, no kids and not bad looking. So fuck you.

    • Joseph

      Angry much? ;)

  • Maria

    Right on Dario!!! I couldn’t agree with you more! If you are not happy with yourself, do something about! It is to take responsibility of your own life and ACTIONS! Hard work achieves so much! Miley is an example of self-confidence!

  • Gemini83

    Awesome post!!!!! Spot on!

  • Lady Goodman

    I assume you’re an advocate of Miley because you share similar qualities? You’re not meant to be a saint or a role model; you’re here to get publicity.
    Rock on Miley.

    • bacheloruncut

      Rock on Miley indeed. Who doesn’t love a little publicity? ;)

  • Mark G.

    The point is that it takes zero talent to use your body to sell. Miley is more like a prostitute than a singer. When she ages and her body is gone, so will her appeal. I think she is cute and isn`t a bad singer. That should be good enough. But she appeals to adolescent teens and young guys that dream of getting laid. Superficial and shallow comes to mind. It is too bad because anyone can act like a pig. It takes real effort to rise above it all and act more civilized. Miley will be a flash in the pan because there really is little substance. She is a good example of a society that has lost its way.

    • Bachelor Uncut

      But is she in the wrong for giving her target audience what they want?

  • loading

    soooo, is this the over-used “you’re just jealous” argument ? I just want to pat you on the back. don’t get angry and act like you don’t care, it’s ridiculous.

    • Bachelor Uncut

      Thanks for the feedback, much appreciated ;)

  • Jake Lakota

    You are a MORON. I don’t remember any chick in HS or college who felt the need to shove her coated tongue and flash her yellow teeth at me. Twerking? You have to have an ASS to twerk. And that BS on MTV? I suppose you find this loser shoving her nose up a big fat black dancer’s ass sexy? She does, look again. If this loser is so smart and sells so many records does she need you to kiss her ass and make her feel good? I bet you thought da teddy bear outfits were da bomb and real gangsta!!!

    • Bachelor Uncut

      Nah, I could have done without the teddy bear outfits ;)

      • Gee Kalo


        • Bachelor Uncut

          @Gee…As you can see, Miley knows how to get a reaction. Good one to show your friends ;)

          • Gee Kalo

            Yes, I see the controversy here… All from the same ppl who probably contributed to her record breaking hits on youtube for Wrecking Ball… LOL #Success

  • GusanoAmarillo

    Actually, one’s unfuckability is in direct proportion to one’s admiration for Miley Cyrus.
    No heterosexual guy who is actually getting laid believes Miley is hot. She isn’t. She has ugly short hair that screams estrogen imbalance (granted, it would look youthful and “fabulous” on an appropriate gay male). Her anorectic, “can’t eat cuz food competes with drugs” “figure” only appeals to pederasts with a fetish for boys. She has hillbilly dentition that has been further ignored while she burns holes through what’s left of her central nervous system with copious amounts of Ecstasy. Her tongue has candidiasis from giving rim jobs to enormous negro transvestites.
    You want hot? Try Emily Ratajkowski. You’re welcome.

    • Bachelor Uncut

      Couldn’t agree with you more: Emily is as hot as they come!

  • MichaelZWilliamson

    I’m male and don’t find her the slightest bit fuckable. Since I also get flown around the country and world at other people’s expense, I don’t find your arguments credible.

    • Bachelor Uncut

      That’s too bad. Maybe next time ;)

  • Guest

    Huh. A blog written by a narcissist. Theeeere’s the go-to guy for unbiased comments about women. How’s that spamming the yahoo comments section working for you?

    • Wasp514

      Totally agree. I read this joke of a blog to see what this total loser of a WOP prick has written. This guy is such a douchbag.

      • Bachelor Uncut