O Cum All Ye Faithful!

The Top Five Songs to Help You Slam in Style this Christmas!

From blow jobs to rim jobs, ’tis the season for giving. So once the gifts are unwrapped, the gluttonous banquet has been devoured, and the kids (God-willing) decide to sleep over at grandma’s, it’s time for some festive fornication.

Take it from a bachelor who cares: The best gifts really are free, and there’s nothing your special someone won’t appreciate more than marking Christ’s birthday with a slam session to end all slam sessions. Hey, you both worked hard all year; you deserve it.

So to help you out, I’ve put together the five, must-have tracks that are guaranteed to get the foreplay ball rolling. With any luck, whatever’s playing afterwards will be irrelevant. And depending on how far you want to take it, I’ve also included a “Slam Intensity” rating, ranging from 1-5 Fingers (Why fingers? Do you really need to ask?)

So check out the selections and get your iPod–and lube–ready!