The Men Who Won’t Cum

Don’t like swallowing sprootz? Good news: You may not have to worry about it.

After landing himself in an abortion clinic for the third time (with a different girl each time no less), a buddy of mine found it difficult to cum while having sex. Surprise!

Somewhere between the great head he’d get during foreplay (with his string of subsequent lays) and having the girl beg him to ravage her, he’d go limp.

Just like that. Done. Game over.

When he confided this to me, it instantly brought me back to that horrific period in my life when the girl I lost my virginity to thought she was pregnant. Not only had it permanently scarred me for life in many ways, but for the longest time, I found myself unable to “finish the job,” worried that I’d find myself in fertilization hell.

For my friend, it’s a problem that continues to plague him to this day, and even though few men would admit to it, let me go on record as saying there are TONS of guys out there who’d rather go than cum.

It’s ironic, actually, that for all the fuss that’s made over women not having an orgasm during sex, there’s an entire sub-section of dudes with an inability to sprootz while fucking. And just like that, the plot–ahem–thickens…

How bad is it? I’m no scientist, but based on anecdotal evidence alone, I’d be bold enough to say that if you know five couples, at least one of them is fucking sans cum.

THE BIGGEST LIE EVER TOLD…

…is that nothing can stop a guy from screwing, no matter how drunk, high or tired he may be. At best, that’s only half true. Sure, we can get it up in a cinch, but we can’t always finish the job. And sadly, it always becomes fodder for the next Girls’ Night Out (you know, those conversations that start with “He couldn’t keep it up…”)

Many women will either question the guy’s manhood or their own attractiveness. But with all the chatter about men going limp mid-way through, few understand that it’s often a defense mechanism for issue(s) that only men can relate to.

There’s a difference between “keeping it up” and “finishing the job,” and that difference is fear. Don’t kid yourselves ladies, men get scared in bed–BIG TIME–and the lack of a grand finale can be the result of any one of these bone-chilling horrors:

THE FEAR OF CONSEQUENCE

Personally, there’s nothing scarier than A) a woman showing up to my front door holding an ultrasound photo or B) catching a nasty STD (no wait—the ultrasound is scarier). Sometimes, all we men can do is worry about what the 60 seconds of pleasure will cost us long-term–like the Pandora’s Box of slamming! And when that happens, we’d rather walk out with our tail cock between our legs.

THE FEAR OF UNDER-PERFORMING

Even if he’s confident enough in the size of his unit, he may still be paranoid about the grade you’ll give him the morning after. That’s why these guys will usually lose their mojo shortly after penetration. Once the thrill of foreplay wears off and they realize they need to really show her what they got, they’ll start second-guessing every slutty move they make. It’s easy to spot; if the only way a chick can get a guy to blow his load is by blowing, she’s got this nasty phobia to deal with.

THE FEAR OF NOT GETTING OFF

Speaking of friends, have I told you about my good friend, the chronic masturbator? The one who can only orgasm with his own hand? Maybe it’s his porn addiction, or maybe he’s been with one-too-many “loose” girls. Whatever the case, please cut him some slack. His hand is no different than a woman’s vibrator, and we all know plenty of women who’d prefer spending the night with a battery-powered gadget.

So there you have it folks: the scary truth on how scary thoughts can really kill the mood. As if getting laid wasn’t “hard” enough already.