So…You Married a Whore

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That awkward moment when you realize the bride slept with half the guys at the wedding reception.

For the record, I have nothing against whores; they’re just like you and me, except they have a lot of sex (and, if they’re lucky, pocket a few bucks in the process).

In fact, I think the word “whore” probably got its negative connotation from group of repressed (read: jealous) wallflowers who hadn’t gotten any in over a decade.

That’s why I’ve always defended a woman’s (and man’s) right to slam and be slammed to their heart’s content (provided they’re responsible about it).

But then, every once in a while, you’re faced with an awkward moment that makes you cringe, and question your own ‘whorish’ values: A.k.a. When a whore hits too close to home.

He Says “I Do,” And You Wonder: “Do I Tell?”

While at a buddy’s bachelor party, the best man, in a drunken stupor, confessed that he had boned the bride-to-be in a previous life (specifically, their senior year of college) and that the groom was clueless (and still is, FYI).

This wouldn’t have been a big deal, except that I already knew she had given many a blowjob to one of the ushers.

And this was the same usher who claimed that she was involved in an ALLEGED gang bang after a mutual friend’s club opening a year earlier (thanks, in part, to a near-lethal amount of grappa and Jack Daniels).

Suddenly, this wedding felt cheap and dirty. The question was: WHY?

Even a Montreal-sized city is small enough to where you’re bound to have some, ahem, overlap with your friends’ sexual conquests.

So what’s the problem here?

Was I really that bothered that a friend was marrying someone who’d been around the block more times than an ice cream truck? Or was I more concerned that this particular girl’s rap sheet had more recognizable names on it than a yearbook? Or did it just depress me to know that the groom was in the dark about all of it?

Side Note: You almost have to wonder if he’s been on it the whole time and couldn’t care less. Just this once, I wished guys would gossip more!

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A (Slutty) Catch-22

Guys spend their entire lives looking for those elusive whores, the ones who lay their cards (and their panties) on the table from the get-go.

And yet, when it comes to sharing a life with someone, and finding the future mother of their children, they demand purity and innocence.

Kiss and Don’t Tell?

Just how much does a person’s sexual history matter? If they’re willing to commit to you (and you only), does a spouse’s magic number have any value in the long run?

Sadly, life is riddled with double standards, so maybe it’s time to man up and accept the fact that people have sex (albeit some more than others).

That’s probably why none of us bothered to clue in the aforementioned groom after all. Sometimes the past is best left…well, in the past.

It’ll just make for a really uncomfortable get-together when we’re all over for his kid’s first birthday party.

Bottom line…

A slut is only a slut till he/she is found out. So while you may be slipping a ring on their finger, just know that your very own entourage may have slipped her a lot more.

Just sayin’.

  • Lightning Linda

    loveeeeeeeeeee this article the words you used made me burst out laughing..I guess men don’t mind sharing and they have a secret code that they don’t break what puzzles me is if there whores why wear white :) I think the groom knows that she probably banged everyone except the priest but hes thinking while you had her and lust her i ended up marrying her so shes mine i guess hes all proud maybe an ego thing you guys have, but don’t worry every guy there will be getting a honeymoon :)

    • Love Whores!

      Whores are the best and should be cherished. I’m dating one now and was at an event where there were like 4 other guys that she banged previously in the past few years. Very hot!!!