My Hero: The Most F*ckable Man in America!

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Five Reasons Why Every Dude Needs to Take Notes from Howard Stern.

All of you idiots who waste your time wishing you could swap places—or fuck—Brad Pitt, David Beckham or Ryan Gosling need a serious reality check!

As a bachelor who knows what’s most important to being a pimp daddy—and the envy of all women (or men, depending on which team you play for) — the only dude we should be taking cues from is the King of All Media, Howard Stern. If life was a card game, he’d have all the aces.

FYI: None of those aces have to do with money!

And with all due respect to his angelic wife, his wedding band and monogamy are the only two things stopping me from imitating him completely (although if anyone could get me to change my mind about marriage, it’d be the delicious Beth O.).

So fellas, in 2014, do yourselves a favor and rip a page out of the Stern playbook. BEHOLD: The top five reasons why Howard Stern is the man you ought to be.  

Click “Next” to get started.

All hail Howard Stern

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  • Lightning Linda

    Really had no idea who would have guessed!!!

    • http://bacheloruncut.com/ Bachelor Uncut

      To be him for one day. See if your girlfriends agree ;)

  • Marcus

    Sure none of it has to do with his $$ ;)???

    • http://bacheloruncut.com/ Bachelor Uncut

      Maybe a little LOL

    • Johnna Smith

      that’s a great agrument until you think about how he got that money…his PERSONALITY & SENSE OF HUMOR.

  • Lightning Linda

    Money or not he’s the man and women love him :) I’d marry him :)

    • http://bacheloruncut.com/ Bachelor Uncut

      Would you marry him without the money?

  • patty

    Yes, I would have to agree Howard is the man but Brad and David aren’t too bad

    • http://bacheloruncut.com/ Bachelor Uncut

      If you’re into the pretty-boy thing ;)

  • Lightning Linda

    He’s so cool guys would probably like a piece of howie lol

  • HeyYou

    Agreed!! Stern is a comedic genius! Have loved him for years! No bigger turn on then a sense of humor and honesty! And Kudos to YOU Bachelor! Your articles are a breath of fresh air! FINALLY… someone who isn’t afraid to speak the truth! Thank you!

  • HeyYou

    *than ….needed to correct my grammar ;)

  • Anonymous

    #1 and #4 is a MUST!!! All men should be reading this article….they can learn a few things ;)

    • http://bacheloruncut.com/ Bachelor Uncut

      #4? Check! I’m funny! What about sarcasm…that count? ;)

      • Agent Michael Scarn

        More fake anonymous posts to up your comment section. Funny, all the signed comments are laughing at your take, yet all the anonymous ones agree with you. Weird.

        • Johnna Smith

          I’m real (dispite my avatar), and I agree with the article. we can take it up if you’d like?

  • Anon

    He definitely has a lot going on in his favour and you make quite some interesting points. Another great article! Very entertaining :)

  • Anonymous

    Love it! Fantastic article! Great job Bachelor, as usual, you tell it like it is!

    • http://bacheloruncut.com/ Bachelor Uncut

      Thank u!!!

      • Agent Michael Scarn

        Responding to your own “anonymous” posts. The hallmark of the paid shill. And if you’re not being paid for imbecilic pile of claptrap, then you’re dumber than Sal.

        • http://bacheloruncut.com/ Bachelor Uncut

          Angry much? ;)

          • Gee Kalo

            no kidding lol

  • bringbackjackie

    yeah, but take away the attention-horse wife, the daughters who hate him, the wig, the glistening-too-white-piano-keys teeth and chin implant and what do you have?

    • http://bacheloruncut.com/ Bachelor Uncut

      Whoa whoa…stop the clock! A wig? No way dude.

      • bringbackjackie

        Smart move on your part to try and get readers to your site. You had to know that the insecure narcissist 65 year old would mention your piece on the air to his 72,387 listeners. And speaking of “piece” you had to know that a latent wiggy has a thing for “uncut bachelors”

    • Johnna Smith

      do you have Artie Lange?

  • theclaud

    None of this has to do with money? Ha
    He dumped his house frau first wife for a paid escort (“NYC dinner date girl” in the words of Sarah Bernhardt on his own show).. NSAL bs is a paid PR campaign to
    rerework his image–he gives no money, his wife is a paid spokes person. And you
    too can have rock star hair, its a system. Contact Richard Farrel. What a uncreative puff piece

    • Johnna Smith

      someone sounds a bit jealous.

  • theclaud

    Oh I get it this was written tongue in cheek. Because if you listened to his show you would know his trademark persona is neebish neurosis. And thia line
    “his biggest claim-to-fame (and the reason thousands of Hollywood starlets would drop to their knees if he was single tomorrow).” made me think of that Oscar moment btw Jennifer Laurence and Jack Nicholson

    • http://bacheloruncut.com/ Bachelor Uncut

      Actually, no. As a bachelor who never misses a show, I proudly stand by every fact :)

      • theclaud

        sounds like you’re just listening to TWUS. What next are you gonna write an article about 6 reasons why Robin is the skinniest person in Hollywood. Maybe you were actually writing about Justin Therioux.

        • http://bacheloruncut.com/ Bachelor Uncut

          Give it some time, you’ll come around ;)

  • Peter

    Love it! Howard just read this on air.

    • http://bacheloruncut.com/ Bachelor Uncut

      ;)

  • Anna

    Being a “feminist” a lot if people can’t understand why I love Howard Stern.

    My husband has been listening to him since he was on regular radio. I always assumed Howard was a dick because of the way he degrades women and used people intellectual disabilities for comedic reasons. I made those assumptions without listening to his show. So when my husband got me a satellite radio for Mothers day a few years back, he urged me to give him a chance, and I always tell people don’t criticize what you don’t know anything about, I decided to listen in.

    To my surprise, I actually loved listening to him, apart from the tone in his voice, he is NOT what you think he is. He is intelligent, and actually stands up for women’s rights, he adores women, so no surprise there. The porn stars that his show “supports” are there for media purposes and they know full well they are walking into a lions den when they walk into his office. You have to listen to understand.

    The persona is very different than the man, he is very funny, and THAT is sexy!!! One of his heroes is John Lennon, he loves the Beatles…I find that sexy too…

    He is THE best interviewer! Better than Walters and all the big news guys!!

    I was so wrong, and I learned from that day forward, never to judge unless you’re informed.

    He says he’s not attractive, but his sense if humour, and love of family and the way he takes care of a Robin makes him…

    In my book…very fuckable.

    • http://bacheloruncut.com/ Bachelor Uncut

      Well said. Thanks Anna. You score a perfect 100 with these comments. No one does it like Howard ;)

    • Johnna Smith

      ditto, sista!

  • http://elmonero.com Arturo Torres

    FYI: He doesn’t love bulldogs, he loved Bianca. But hates the fact that people are still breeding bulldogs.

    • http://bacheloruncut.com/ Bachelor Uncut

      My interpretation is that he does the love the breed in general, but you’re right…he doesn’t want people breeding more because of their numerous health conditions. And people underestimate what a difficult breed it is to care for.

      • http://elmonero.com Arturo Torres

        That sounds about right!

  • Agent Michael Scarn

    This is satire right? Or just a paid plug by the Wigged One himself?

    • http://bacheloruncut.com/ Bachelor Uncut

      Just my version of the truth…but thanks for reading!

  • Rob0729

    I find nothing sexier than a senior citizen who tries to dress like a 25 year old EMO. /sarcasm

    Howard is old enough to be a grandfather and he tries to look like he is his daughters’ age. It isn’t cool. It is sad.

    • http://bacheloruncut.com/ Bachelor Uncut

      What does EMO mean?

      • Rob0729

        Look it up. It is like a hipster only douchier.

        • Johnna Smith

          what does sacrasm mean?

    • Johnna Smith

      first thing, it may speak volumes to Howard’s skills as a father that he isn’t a grandfather despite having three daughters,
      next thing: show me a 25 year old wearing John Varavatos & I will show you a man spending someone else’s money.
      there’s nothing sad here, except the fact that you don’t get it.

      • Rob0729

        I do commend Howard for being an absentee father and let Alison actually raise his daughters to be fine young women. Even Howard admitted in the past that he wasn’t a great father before his ego went out of control

        And oh I get it. He is a celebrity who is becoming less and less relevant with an increasingly dwindling fan base who still thinks he is as popular as ever because he surrounds himself with sycophants who tell him the best. I mean this is a guy who won’t eat beef because cows feel compassion, but wears leather like it is going out of style. He is just out of touch just like the remaining sheep that follow him that he treats like crap to be even richer.

        • Johnna Smith

          carrying around this jealousy & anger will be the death of you. yea!

          • Rob0729

            Although I would love to have his money, I am neither jealous or angry. I get a kick for what a fraud this guy has become and how his remaining sheep are too blind to see how he sold out and in crapping on his remaining fan base and they take it with a smile.

          • Johnna Smith

            Im a superfan, but my obsession pales compared to yours. What’s your agenda? Im glad Howard has evolved & grown up because I did. Maybe you should try it.

          • Rob0729

            I’m not obsessed. I am a former fan who finally saw through all his lies and BS. I find it more fun goofing on him now than buying into his crap.

            Howard hasn’t evolved. He is changing himself so he can be accepted by the Hampton and Hollywood elite. He is the high school nerd who gets to sit at the cool kid’s table and becomes a bigger douche than any of them.

            And considering you have only attacked me and called me names because I disagree with you about Howard, I am scared to see what you were before you evolved and grew up.

        • Mike

          Bullshit ! his wife paid for all the schooling busted ass on morning radio

        • MiTie

          Great job, Rob. KEEP ON LISTENING, Robbie SuperFan! :-)

      • sayvor

        varvatos… $25 on sale at nordstroms

      • bringbackjackie

        Howard very well may be a grandfather and not know it. His daughters want nothing to do with him and his attention-whorse wife

    • sayvor

      jealous. ha ha

  • Bill Marr

    I’ve been a long time fan of Howard Stern and, the Howard Stern Show. How I help win people over to his side is like this.

    Think of it like if it’s your brother or dad sitting around talking among themselves minus the 35 or 50 million listeners, a wonderful woman, and a big ass budget to do it Stern-Style.

    How many people in media and/or daily life willing to go as far as he does as far as being totally honest and 100% stick to what they believe? Not too many when it comes down to it.

    • Rob0729

      35-50 million listens? It isn’t even 3-5 million at this point. In 2008, he had 3.9 million cum each week according to Sirius research. That means if you listened to him five times a week both goon and coming home from work, you would count as 10 listeners.

      • davisesq212

        Stern’s hair is 100% natural.

  • Rorlily

    Is JD Harmeyer on this list?

    • http://bacheloruncut.com/ Bachelor Uncut

      JD’s hilarious. Would love to go to Scores with him and get blasted.

      • davisesq212

        I think JD is ultra effable.

  • Pete Byron

    The sex stuff I can do without. But I love the slap stick Uncle Floyd inspired type show

  • Mandy Sue

    There is nobody more honest on the radio. He’s become funnier and more relaxed these past few years, although I still miss Artie because together they were hilarious. Nobody does a better interview, nobody. He’s the main reason I have Sirius. (I’m so happy Robin is healthy and doing well.)

    It’s amazing how he turns a silly seemingly offensive contest like “Get Your Grandfather Laid” or “Mother-Daughter Naked Beauty Contest” into a poignant sharing of people’s lives. The “Grandfather Laid” contest had me in tears, it was so moving. Robin, too, apparently. Howard does that routinely.

    • bringbackjackie

      You’re aware that Stern recently admitted that he is a “compulsive liar”? And you’re aware that Robin is not “healthy and doing well” and will die of cancer within 2 years, right?

      • Johnna Smith

        that’s ok. guess what? we all lie. we all die.

    • Ann

      Honest?? Like Beth’s tits are real?

      • Johnna Smith

        and that matters because…oh yeah, who cares?

  • davisesq212

    I honestly dont think he oozes confidence BUT that being said, I love him. No one can do a better interview.

    Everything you said is right on point except confidence. His shtick about his penis, his comments about his nose and face and his comments about his relationship with his father make me think he wishes he had just a smidge more in the confidence arena. He is able to make it appear that he has mega confidence because he is behind a microphone doing radio. He isnt at his ‘best’ in person like on AGT (although I still watch it) and in his tv interviews like Letterman.