Five Reasons Why George Clooney Made a HUGE Mistake
Your love life is an all-you-can-eat buffet. Why would you ruin that?
Say it ain’t so George!
George Clooney tying the knot has done to the dating pool what the Titanic did to the Atlantic Ocean: Created a big fucking mess!
How else can you describe the cataclysmic shift that occurred this past weekend when Clooney, the Hollywood superstar who seemed destined for the eternal playboy life, wed Amal Alamuddin in Venice, Italy.
For both single women and men everywhere, this is pretty much the Apocalypse (albeit for different reasons).
What’s next? Can Dan Bilzerian be far behind?
Here are just a few of the arguments for why George Clooney should have stayed single and fabulous:
A Beautiful Face is Meant to be shared…
pricks guys are born with genes that are not only perfect, but timeless! And even though, at 53, he’s probably sewn his share of wild oats, the Sexiest Man Alive still had plenty of mass-slamming ahead of him.
Why Clooney, why?
A Wedding Band = Bad Marketing…
Clooney’s entire brand was built around delusional women from coast to coast thinking they could get him.
Now that he’s officially off the market, a huge chunk of his fan base has died (figuratively speaking, of course).
It puts pressure on those “We Don’t Need a Piece of Paper” Couples…
It takes A LOT of hard work for a guy to convince his longtime girlfriend that they’re perfectly fine just living together—without the whole wedding circus.
But now, Clooney’s nuptials gives women everywhere another shot in the arm to insist on making their infantile, Cinderella-wedding-fantasy a reality.
It Adds More Fuel to the Wedding Industry’s Fire…
When the American pop culture equivalent to Prince Charming ties the knot, it pretty much ups the ante on all the upcoming wedding plans.
Translation: Expect wedding planners to start pitching lavish Venetian getaways to their impressionable Bridezilla clients.
Get your checkbooks ready folks!
It sends a bad message to the other Bachelors
Why do we need to continue to spew this marital propaganda…that settling down with someone is a part of life?
For years, Clooney was a beacon of light for the chronically-single, a glowing reminder that marriage wasn’t for everyone.
So even though we all have the freedom to choose our paths in life, we can’t help but wonder: Do all roads, no matter how hard we try to avoid them, do indeed lead to marriage?
Huge Belly, Huge Sex Appeal