Dinner, a Movie, and NO Sex?

The things guys will do not to sleep with you.

The night I got a kneed in the groin while slamming was not only one of the most painful experiences of my life, it was also one of the most liberating. I didn’t know it at the time, but I had actually discovered my very own “Get Out of Sex Guilt-Free” card.

It’s a card that’s come in quite handy over the years, and one of those tricks-of-the-trade that’s been a guy’s best-kept secret …until today.

The “We’ll Fuck Anything, Anyhow” Myth

Although guys would like to think that they can pretty much get it up—and in—for anyone under any circumstance, there’s still those odd occasions where they’re just not feeling it.

And rather than look like half a man in front of the girl, or make her paranoid with those awkward, “What’s wrong with me?” thoughts, he’ll start to get creative, and find the perfect (i.e. legitimate) excuse to not have to go all the way—all the while preserving his fragile ego.

Afterall, we all know how vicious those “He couldn’t get hard” girl talks can be!

Don’t automatically assume he’s just not that into you (although God knows it’s a possibility); it may be that he’s just not into the idea of putting it in at that precise moment. And it can be for any number of reasons:

• He thought you’d be a great score but the closer he gets to slam time, the more he becomes unsure.
• He feels an unusual amount of pressure to perform with you (take the compliment!)
• You’re a horrible kisser or, worse yet, you smell wrong in all the right places (sorry!)

Of course, hiding a flaccid penis is most problematic with girls we just met (a.k.a. making that critical first impression).

I guess that’s one of the few benefits of being married; once you’re tied to a woman, you can just be straight up—there’s no one left to impress!

In any event, nothing is worse than not being able to close the deal seconds before show time. We’re too far in to pull out (so to speak) without looking like a tool or someone of questionable manliness. So what’s a non-horny guy to do?

Which brings me back to getting kneed in the groin…

Even though my first nut sack attack was the real deal (and happened with someone I would have given both balls up to sleep with), I knew I had the perfect strategy for avoiding sex anytime I was with a chick and couldn’t rev up my engine.

Pretending to have been injured during foreplay is by far the easiest and most irrefutable way to put a night of luke-warm sex out of its misery. You can spend the rest of the night tending to her every need, without her ever finding out you were as limp as a wet noodle.

Best of all: She feels super guilty for having “hurt you.” Brilliant!

Attack of the Vague Symptoms

Picture it ladies: A guy’s at your place, you’re having drinks, and early on he makes a casual mention about something that’s bothering him (a slight headache, an upset stomach, too much wine…) which, the closer you get to the bedroom, seems to get mysteriously worse. It’s not bad enough for him to leave, so you spend the rest of the night cuddling on the couch.

He doesn’t need aspirin, he needs Viagra.

Put It In Perspective

Remember, guys don’t have the luxury of faking it like women can, so they sometimes need to think outside the box (no pun intended). Keep in mind that there’s A HUGE difference between an excuse that results in no penetration and one that results with the dude running out the door.

If it’s a recurring theme, however, then that’s a whole different issue.

What’s your take on this? Leave a comment below!