Desperate Suburban Housewives

The secret lives of married couples that can make even the most notorious bachelor jealous.

On soccer fields from coast to coast, sexually-frustrated mothers lust after their sons’ coaches.

Meanwhile, at a ballet practice nearby, horned-up dads are eager to pick up their daughters, hoping to put the moves on the hot dance instructor.

And in a quiet residential neighborhood on any given weekend, couples get together for another night of dinner, board games and spouse-swapping.

Welcome to the suburbs, the discotheque for middle-aged, not-so-happily married couples that makes the urban jungle look like Disneyland.

Who knew that “settling down” didn’t actually mean settling down, and that the city’s outskirts (a.k.a. the supposed backdrop for G-rated family living) were actually a breeding ground for adulterous midnight slam sessions?

Till Suburbs Do Us Part

As one of my married suburban friends put it: “The stories around here could fill up your blog for six months!”

It’s perhaps one of the greatest con jobs of the 20th century, that of married couples posing as solid family units when, in reality, acts of sexual deviance and infidelity simmer just beneath the surface…the kind of stuff that no amount of Sunday mass can cure.

Side Note: Who would have also thought that the minivan would be the whore car-du-jour? Talk about camouflage!

The irony is not lost on me, that the 40-something married folks (or at least those who shun the “abnormal” behavior of promiscuous 20 & 30-something singles) are actually the ones who are up to the real shenanigans.

It may just be a matter of statistics (i.e. more married couples in suburbia means higher rates of infidelity, compared to the downtown core), but whatever the reason, there’s obviously more to life outside the city center than hockey practices and PTA meetings.

For Your Consideration…

I’ve heard my share of suburban tales of infidelity to know that marital bed-hopping is VERY real:

Just last week I got the juicy details about an annual block party that was as famous for the inter-couple flirting and number-exchanging as it was for the hot dogs and all you-can-drink beer…where conversations about private schools and landscaping were just a means of breaking the ice to eventually get into someone’s pants.

And you can be sure that every BBQ has at least one married woman who, like a vulture at dinnertime, is hovering above looking for her next prey.

But my personal favorite is the story of a 42-year-old stay-at-home wife with no kids who lives in a ritzy Montreal suburb with her second husband, a man who spends most of his time away on business.

And during his time abroad, her home becomes a revolving door for every other married dude in a 1-mile radius to walk through and give it to her in every position possible.

Just something to think about the next time your spouse steps out to “buy some milk.

Is Boredom to blame?

The one thing single people take for granted is the fact that every night out brings with it the potential for a new adventure…to meet someone different (be it a tourist or recent divorcee who’s back on the market).

Married life, on the other hand, brings with it a certain amount of routine—and a few extra bills—that can really dampen a couple’s sex drive. And while heading to a club at 3AM to pick up a stranger may not be feasible on many levels, it’s much easier to find someone on the same street to get off with, no?

An Orgasm is Just a Neighbor Away…

Rest assured that married couples are still having sex…just not with each other apparently.

It may not be ethical or moral, but suddenly the suburbs are really starting to look good—minivans and all!