Dear Khloe: Time to Date a WOP!

Dear Khloe Kardashian,

My heart weeps for you. No, really.

Who wouldn’t cry over a beautiful, smart, career-oriented go-getter (blessed with famous genes, no less) who’s now drowning in a marital abyss. It’s the kind of misfortune that usually creeps up anytime a woman succumbs to the whirlwind, superficial romance of dating—then marrying, then divorcing—an alleged drug-laced star athlete (sorry Lamar!).

I realize the ink on the divorce papers hasn’t even dried yet and you’re already rumored to be seeing baseball player Matt Kemp, but I beg you: Give the star athletic division a rest and land yourself an Italian guy, ASAP!

And not just any Italian, mind you. You need a nice, non-Hollywood Guido…

…preferably a major player in the construction or restaurant biz, whose only concern is bringing home enough bacon to satisfy his need for a shiny new Maserati parked inside a pristine 3-car garage, and keeping his wife content by giving her the freedom to come and go as she pleases provided she doesn’t ask too many questions.

The great thing about most Italian guys, aside from the narcissistic pride that would never let him touch his wife’s dough,  is that they’re all about appearances (once you get passed the bevy of mistresses and one-night-stands). They make sure the world sees their family units as solid, successful and serene, with all dirty laundry hidden away nicely in the gossip equivalent of the Bermuda Triangle.

Btw, if the above statement offended you, then let me point out the obvious: Guys cheat! Sorry, “most” guys.

Best of all, you have enough clout to carry the PR machine on your shoulders, without the need of an A-list celebrity boy toy to get you in the papers. So in the veritable tug-of-war that is Hollywood bed-hopping, a non-famous significant other should keep the wannabe B-list “troias” (that’s Italian for whores) at bay.

Still not convinced? Then consider this:

Image is Everything

Unlike the attention-seeking celebrity athlete, any Italian who’s not on a pro soccer team will have a more conservative mind set (translation: they’re more about making decent coin and less about being spotted on a 4AM coke binges at the latest club-du-jour).

Think about it: When was the last time you saw the CEO of the largest general contracting firm on the East Coast splashed shamelessly across Page Six?

We Like the Finer Things in Life

We come from a revered heritage that includes Ferraris, D&G and Versace, so we know a thing or two about style. And this flair for good taste extends all the way to culinary heaven (Canolis? A few bottles of Barolo? My mom’s lasagna? The choice is yours baby!). In short, from the bedroom to the kitchen, you’re covered.

Love is in our DNA

If it’s true that Italian is the language of love, and romance and passion is hard-coded in us, then it stands to reason that we’ll always have time to be extra loving between the sheets. Don’t be afraid of the stereotypes either; the modern Italian man is well groomed in all the right places. And even if we can’t always give it to you good, at least we’ll always look good doing it.

My final plea…

So, Khloe Kardashian, you still want a celebrity athlete? Fine. But remember: even the biggest mansions don’t have enough room for two A-list egos. Sure, pro athletes like Lamar and Matt come with their share of perks, but a woman of your stature shouldn’t have to share the red carpet spotlight, or any valuable attention from the TMZ buzzards flying overhead, with any man.

No guy—or ethnicity—is perfect. But if you have to go through all the shit that is marriage (and/or subsequent divorce), at least do so in one where the wife—not the crack—takes center stage!

And, if all else fails, I’m available! Just use the Contact link above. I may not have a construction company, or be the marrying kind, but I can give you the best 60 seconds of your life.

Signed,

A concerned (Italian) bachelor.