Dear Justin Bieber & Rob Ford: Thank You!
Cut these boys some slack…they finally made Canada cool (not just cold)!
It’s arguably the greatest country in the world, but if there’s one thing Canada has lacked, it’s a certain “hip quotient.”
Just as women would rather hook up with the bad boys, Canada has largely been ignored, and forced to watch quietly in the shadows as the more popular U.S.A. (with its bevy of train-wreck Hollywood stars) got all the attention.
Even worse: Until recently, the city of Montreal (and it’s degenerate surroundings) has had to carry the weight of being “in vogue” on behalf of the entire country.
But thanks to two unknowingly patriotic Canadians from Ontario, we now have that nationwide edge over our American friends!
Justin Bieber and Rob Ford have given us a veritable one-two punch that has exponentially (and permanently, God willing) upped Canada’s coolness factor.
If life were a high school cafeteria, Canada would FINALLY be sitting at the “popular table.”
Just in time…
Remember when some of you lost your shit after I delicately pointed that there was a good chance most of the Miley Cyrus haters were just jealous wannabes? Well here we go again…
So the Biebs got arrested for a DUI and resisting arrest. Hey, shit happens! Are we really going to single him out and crucify the guy?
Newsflash: As you’re reading this, there’s a kid on your block doing the exact same thing, except he’s DUI-ing in a crappier car.
Truth is, the only thing you resent Justin Bieber—and always resented him—for is having so much at such a young age—and flaunting it. If anything, he’s just guilty of being a show-off.
But he’s acting no different than you did at his age. Only difference? You were reckless on a skateboard, while he’s reckless in a Ferrari.
So love him or hate him, his positive contributions to the country’s street cred as a whole cannot be ignored.
Rob Ford: Our Savior…Our Hero!
Finally, a version of Bill Clinton to call our very own!
Remember how cool it was when the leader of the free world was giving and/or getting head in the Oval Office, while shoving cigars up an intern’s vag, and you realized, “Hey! He’s just like us!”
Now, 15 years later, Canada finally has a politician of its very own who’s NOT an uptight robot. And better yet, unlike Bill, our troublemaker is committing offenses most people can actually relate to.
Whether he’s smoking crack, flying off the handle during a press conference, boozing it up or even getting stuck in an elevator, one thing is certain: The guy’s a fucking party. And whether people choose to admit it or not, he’s the mayor we all wish we had.
I’d even argue that some of the politicians in my native Quebec could stand to benefit from a crack pipe—or two.
Like Bieber, Ford simply had the misfortune of succumbing to his vices in a public forum. But just like your local doctor, lawyer or priest who, for all you know, are all guilty of far worse things, you may want to think twice before burning Ford at the stake (and taking his crack pipe away).
Proud to be a Canadian!
At last, we can show the world that we’re able to party like the rest of them. We’re not “too nice” and we’re not “squares.” We can get as fucked up as everyone else; we just do it with a few extra layers of clothes.
So keep doing your thing Justin Bieber and Rob Ford. Keep making us Canadians (or at the very least, me) proud!
Dear Hookers: Keep Fighting the Good Fight!