Dear Hookers: Keep Fighting the Good Fight!

This holiday season, let us give thanks to our sexual angels of mercy.

Dear Hookers:

I’m on your side.

With all of the Canadian political brouhaha going on right now over prostitution (following the Supreme Court’s recent smack down of the three latest prostitution laws), I thought this would be the perfect time to speak out in support of the world’s oldest profession.

Although I’ve never been with a hooker myself, it’s my belief that horny men (and women!) everywhere should have the legal option.

Cause when you gotta get laid, you gotta get laid.

My first encounter with prostitution was in summer ’98, when two buddies of mine decided they were tired of looking at a 17-year-old virgin. And so, while stumbling down a downtown street after a night of binge drinking and bar-hopping, they thought it was the perfect time to have me lose it to a seasoned pro.

That’s the great thing about living in Montreal, the Canadian capital of sin and debauchery: Anything is available to you at 3AM, from pizzas to whores. It also helped that we happened to be at the corner of Saint-Laurent and Sainte-Catherine which, for those of you unfamiliar with this city, is the precise location of where most of today’s STDs originated from.

Although I declined my friends’ generous offer, it wasn’t because of shame. After all, she was no different than some of the girls I knew personally who burned through men like their life depended on it.

And even at that young, naïve age, I had a thought: What’s the difference between a “slut” who picks up a random dude every weekend while clubbing (someone who essentially gives blowjobs away for free), and someone who’s smart enough to get paid for it? Shouldn’t the latter be lauded for their entrepreneurial drive?

The hypocrisy is pretty scary actually, when you think of how many supposed “pillars of the community,” those who spend their days speaking out on the need to “clean up the streets,” are also spending their nights getting their rocks off at a premium hourly rate. For the record, I’m not just talking about female prostitutes either…just saying.

After all, it’s a not-so-well-kept secret that TONS of guys, from the lowly welfare case to the CEO of a multi-national conglomerate, have paid for sex.

So rather than waste valuable time and energy pretending that prostitution only applies to a morally-deprived minority, let’s embrace it and find a way to make it win-win for everyone! The real issue should be about giving these women (and men!) a safer working condition, and NOT whether it’s legal for her to charge a buck for a suck, on the street or otherwise.

Capitalism and fucking can, and should, co-exist freely in this sexed-up, free-market society we live in. And that is some UNCUT truth we can all accept.

Happy Holidays!