Big Feet, Big Problems

If the shoes can tell a man’s story, my life is a f*cking tragedy!

There’s a certain fascination with feet and footwear that I never understood. True, my penis does have a hard spot for women in five-inch stilettos, but beyond that I never paid much attention to the style or designer they’re sporting—or their actual feet for that matter.

Unless you’re my friend’s boyfriend, who has a serious hang-up for sucking on a well-manicured toe…but I digress.

True, guys tend to over-simplify fashion into black-or-white categories; a woman’s shoe is either “HOT” or “NOT.” The rest of the time we’re so fixated with the rest of her body, the shoes almost become obsolete (but if buying a pair of $1200 pumps with red soles gets you off, go for it).

Beware of the Shoe-ologists

It turns out there’s a whole sub-culture of women out there who not only scope out what shoes a man’s wearing, but also evaluate his character and manliness based on what he’s got going on below his ankles.

I kid you not. One “dating expert” has even coined the term “Sole-ology Trickle Down Theory,” which looks at the alleged link between how a man treats his shoes and how he treats women.

You’d think passing this exam would be a slam-duck. Wear the right pair of shoes, keep ‘em looking shiny and new, and you’re on your way to getting laid—or at least her phone number.

If only life were that easy…

The Big Feet Curse

I’m what you would call “bigger-than-average,” and it’s been the bane of my existence.

Yes, my fellow readers, this bachelor is forced to walk the earth with SIZE 14 FEET (an earth populated by an average foot size of about 11, btw).

You might have the same reaction that I always get when I tell people my magic number. There’s a certain shock factor, and they immediately look down (like I wasn’t self-conscious enough).

But while it does make for great conversation (at my expense), few people truly understand the angst of trying to find shoes—ANY shoes!

Ok, so this “First-World Problem” doesn’t really hold up in the grand scheme of life, but it’s enough to make me long for the day when a podiatrist comes up with a procedure to shave a few inches off me (my feet, that is).

Size 14, Where Art Thou?

Big feet has been my curse since puberty. Like a guy who gets rejected by a chick for the umpteenth time, I’ve become used to seeing a sales girl come back from the back room empty-handed after I asked her to bring me “whatever she had.”

And this is after she gives me that mercy, “Let-me-see-what-I-got-even-though-there’s-no-chance-in-hell-we-carry-that-gigantic-size” look.

Case in point: I walked into Harry Rosen last week and decided to try on a simple pair of Prada loafers (a.k.a. the male equivalent to the red sole).

Guess what? No shoes for me!

Kinda reminded me of the time, bout 10 years ago, when all the guys were wearing Diesel shoes–all the guys except me!

What’s a Big-Footed Bachelor To Do?

Over the years, I’ve honed my ability to find shoes that fit which, in a nutshell, consists of wearing Size 13’s that fit like 14’s, AND using the power of flare-cut jeans to keep my large size well-camouflaged.

Long-term damage to my feet notwithstanding, I’m grateful for brands like Hugo Boss, Steve Madden and Lacoste for giving me the chance to step it up and look good for all of the shoe-ologists out there.

Do the Shoes Really Make the Man?

With all the pressure to have a flat stomach and a round ass (and I’m just talking about the guys here), do we really need to put THAT much emphasis on shoes too?

It’s one thing to keep them somewhat fashionable—and clean—for that all-important first impression. But aside from all that, what’s left to decipher?

Or are women so eager to get as much insight on dudes as they can that they start grasping at straws (or shoelaces, as the case may be).

Think about that as I give my friend Mr. Madden a call…

Are shoes that important to you? I wanna hear about it. Share your thoughts below!