Bad Boy Blogger Begs to Become Barbara Walters Boy Toy
Ms. Walters is talking vibrators, and getting this Bachelor all hot and bothered in the process!
By now, my most faithful readers know about my borderline obsession with older women—specifically older blondes.
But as women come and go (literally) and my hormones rage on, the been-there-done-that allure of the 50-year-old bombshell just isn’t going to cut it anymore.
It’s time go where no 33-year-old has gone before.
As a man who’s never shied away from besting a personal record, or pushing the boundaries of what society says is acceptable (or shamelessly trying to get people buzzin’), there’s one woman who bounces my needle:
Barbara Walters…Sex Object?
Barbara is more than a respected TV journalist and pop cultural icon, she’s the embodiment of class and sophistication. But thanks to one of life’s delicious ironies and her recent talk about vibrators, we have all been made privy to Walters’s inner-vixen.
And peeling off those conservative layers would be half the fun (at least for a horny bachelor).
Following that breaking news, I spent the next few days racking my brain, trying to figure out where my sudden—and seemingly insatiable—appetite for Babs was coming from. Then again, does it really matter?
Let’s cut to the chase: There’s something about Walters–this experienced, “classy” woman–talking about vibrators (joking or not) that’s intriguing to say the least. It shows that, despite all of her prim and proper, Upper East Side regality, she’s not afraid to get down and dirty.
And especially if she hasn’t as yet given in to her every carnal desire, there’s room for a guy like me to come in and corrupt her—in the best possible way. Although, with the few scandalous notches already on her headboard (e.g. the affair with married Senator Edward Brooke), she may not need much corrupting at all.
Truth be told, there’s something about this Walters conquest that’s seems so wrong yet SO RIGHT.
Barbara once told Esquire that “sex, if it’s done right, is passion. It’s great and exciting, and it may or may not have anything to do with love.” I couldn’t agree more.
The Bigger the Spread, the Hotter the…
May-December romances with ever-widening age gaps are still very much all the news, with the likes of Madonna and JLo showing us everyday that
love great sex is blind.
If my theory about Barbara is true, I’d like to think that she can teach ME a few things. I imagine she likes it soft, slow and sensual (am I getting warmer?) — a much-needed departure from my often rougher play dates.
Babs & Bachelor Uncut: Win-Win
My dearest Barbara: As you gear up for retirement, remember: This is YOUR time. A time for fun, relaxation, and for giving in to every tantalizing invitation a sexed-up blogger may throw at you.
As a hard-working single mom and career woman, who grew up in a time when sexual freedoms were repressed and whose upbringing was often stressful, no one is more deserving of their very own boy toy than you.
Plus, a night with me would not only help to, ahem, lay my biggest curiosity to bed, it would also make for the ultimate “Hot Topic” on The View, giving talk of your retirement plans a front page frisson. (I can already picture Jenny McCarthy’s reaction when you give her the great news about you and me becoming an item).
And think of all the great content we’d be delivering to our dear friend Howard Stern.
I can’t imagine a better cherry to top your list of accomplishments.
So if you’re into Mediterranean-looking Canadian men with loads of charm and a burning desire for you, please give me a call.
You’ve often said your biggest regret was not keeping a diary. Well, there’s no better time to start, and I’d be honored to be your first entry. So how about it Barbara Walters? Are you ready to take a little time to enjoy the ‘uncut’ View?
WAIT, THERE’S MORE! CHECK OUT THE DREAM DATE I’VE GOT PLANNED FOR US.
Dear Madonna and Miley: Don’t Stop!