All Talk, No Erection

Cheers to the men who’ve got all the moves, except for the most important one.

I’ve never been one for stats or scientific number-crunching, so let me put it to you this way: If you were to line up 10 penises right now, at least three of them would have trouble getting (and/or staying) hard.

At least that’s what I hear.

And this is pretty mind-blowing, considering how some of these dudes spend the better part of their social lives practically hurling themselves at girls like ravenous dogs—all the while knowing full well that no blood will be flowing to their cocks when it’s time.

Smooth-Talking Softies

These men are a rare breed who are neither gay nor medically-challenged in the erectile department; they just can’t pop a stiff to slam with. Period.

And you see them everywhere: They’re businessmen at Thursday’s (Montreal’s epicenter for Happy Hour carousing), college kids on the hunt for a naïve virgin, and twenty-somethings in clubs with fistfuls of their parents’ cash—all ready to say and do anything to sweep a girl off her feet and take her to the nearest hotel room.

They’ve got confidence, they’ve got style, and they’ve got class. The only thing they don’t have is the ability to pop some wood.

So you gotta wonder: What are these guys going to do once they actually get to the bedroom?

Say Hello to Mr. Muff Diver(s)

I love these guys (hey, I’m even friends with a few).

They can spend hours on end going down on a chick in the misguided hope that she’ll forget about the part where his pants are supposed to come off. In other words, they’re hoping that two lousy fingers can pick up the slack.

The irony here is that these guys would probably score more points if they just took a girl to eat out, rather than eat her out.

Cause let’s face it: No one loves oral THAT MUCH…right?

In Her Own Words…

“I dated a guy for about two weeks before deciding to have sex with him. He was after me for a while. Said all the right things. And was extremely confident, which is what attracted me to him! He was a great kisser so I knew that had to count for something.

But in bed, he couldn’t get it up. He tried everything to keep me distracted and pretend like nothing was wrong, but it was weird. I was surprised that he still seemed confident even though it was awkward.

That was the last time I saw him.”

What Gives?

Alas, assuming guys like this don’t need Viagra and have no issue with beating off in front of a dirty MILF flick on YouPorn, we’re still with a few fundamental questions:

• Is it just nerves?…Doubtful, since he didn’t have a shred of nervousness up until ‘showtime’.
• Is she the problem? If she’s that bad, he probably wouldn’t want his fingers in there either.
• Is he gay? Maybe, but then why is he trying so hard (no pun intended) to get a girl in the sack?

 But perhaps the biggest question of all is: Why are soft guys not so hard to find?

Any ideas???